On our country’s birthday, the world celebrates with us. In return, we give back. And this time, it’s not just e-waste. I present to you the facts about the United States of America. A spoof fair and balanced look at the country and it’s people.
- We’re America. What do you mean there are other countries on this continent?
- Football is a class and you can take honors/AP Football, it’s called “Varsity.”
- People from England, Australia and other funny accented countries need to learn how to speak American.
- Adding a “u” randomly to words like color (colour) or reversing the “er” in the word center (centre) makes me question your patriotism and belief in God.
- We don’t understand how our government works. Nonetheless, we’ll invade you if you’re not a democracy. We’re looking at you, New Zealand.
- We dress our California Highway Patrol motorcycle cops like Gestapo strippers. RESPECT THEM.
- An American law has recently been passed that actually makes it illegal to not carry a gun, due to the increasing Zombie Threat Level instituted by the newly-formed Department of Undead Security. Less-than-lethal sidearms such as tasers and icepicks will warrant only a small fine.
- The American South actually creates a reality distortion field not unlike the Bermuda Triangle that give its inhabitants tendencies towards shotguns, monster truck rallies, and random omissions of consonants.
- America is the best. At everything. In the world. After a few drinks, we’ll make sure you know it, too. We don’t care that we don’t even know your name yet.
- We believe in the pornification and inclusiveness of our country. That’s why Hooter’s is a family restaurant.
Well world, there are the facts about America. As always, your additional facts are welcome in the comments. But if you’re a foreigner, don’t bother. Thank you to @stephenlynch and @simonsage for making this post possible!