Nan Palmero, MBA

Rules Are Ruining Your Life

WARNING: Don’t let your kids read this until they’re no longer living in your house.

Rules are helpful. They put order in our lives. They reduce risk and minimize variance. “I’m sorry, I can’t give you a free room, the rules don’t allow it.” In fact, I will enact rules to suit me and you likely do the same. At trade shows and conferences, I hate carrying the terrible and bulky marketing materials that the drones distribute. To ensure that I don’t have to bother, I carry an impossibly small bag that fits a few choice items and say “I’m sorry, I’m unable to carry anything larger than what can fit in this bag.” “Oh, of course, sir. Absolutely.” Rules can be established willy-nilly. Our society has built us to believe that if a rule exists, there must have been a far smarter person who developed the rule for a greater good. Although this may be true at times, I suggest that some many of these rules are ruining your life… well, at least your day, and that many of the people that developed many of the stupid rules ranged between myopic and mouth breathing fools.

Today is the day you can break free from these chains. Do you want three breakfast coupons during your stay, but your room doesn’t include them? Ask for them. And be specific about the exact number you want! Do you need to get an exception to a minimum seating rule because your group has no budget and can’t pay out of pocket? Ask specifically for an exception. I constantly hear, “but the rules RIGHT THERE say you CAN’T do that!” I don’t care. At the end of the day, I’m going to ask for what I want and need, then let the person receiving my request make a judgment call on whether my personalized request will be granted. But what happens if they say “no?” *GASP* You now have two choices. Option #1 – Say “thank you” and carry on. Option #2 – When a “no” is unacceptable, do what the kids do…ask dad. Or in this case, just ask someone else who has the authority to give you the answer you want and need.

It’s a new year, go ask for an exception this week and remember that it doesn’t always work. As I like to say: You win some, you win some later.

Photo by Joe Shlabotnik

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The New Sap, The Dead Leaves

Last week, we talked about corporate culture’s existence and it’s potential effects on the people who come into contact with it. There are certainly issues that each organization faces from this culture and the decisions made along the way. An old adage says that the new ascending sap crowds off the dead leaves on the tree. It would be next to impossible to knock all the leaves off with a stick, but the sap can clear them all.

Similarly, you’ll find that with your organization, “dead leaves” have accumulated on the branches. To properly push the new sap through your organization, you’ll have to make the tough decisions. For some, this could mean revamping the vision or purpose of the company, adjusting responsibilities of key players, or possibly, sell the mills a la Kimberly-Clark. What have you done to move the old leaves off the branches? What is keeping you from doing so?

photo by essjaynz

Communism and Corporate Culture

Wenceslas Square | Prague

Recently, my wife and I traveled to Europe. One of our favorite places that we visited was Prague in the Czech Republic. The city was magnificent and we’re dying to return. I did notice a few differences while there and after our return. The most interesting was how quiet the people were while walking in the streets. If you walk San Francisco, New York or San Antonio, you’ll overhear conversations between people at coffee shops, on their cell phones or with the other people walking along. Interestingly, in Prague, even on the busy Wenceslas Square, you primarily heard foot steps and doors opening and closing. Rarely did you overhear conversations. I later found out from my friend, John, that it was rude to ask Czech’s about their lives prior to 1989, before the fall of Communism. Interestingly, Communism also helped shift a city that was formerly the capital of the Holy Roman Empire with some of the most beautiful cathedrals we’d ever seen, to 61% of the population becoming Atheists.

Interestingly, I find that companies are similar. We’ll notice in some companies that people are more matter-of-fact with their way of presenting thoughts and ideas, while others are more diplomatic. In some, the people are chatty, while others, like Dave Ramsey’s company have a no tolerance policy against gossip (one warning, then you’re fired).

Whether you realize it or not, your office and your company has a culture. It may be affected by a leader that is no longer there, but people remember “the good ol’ days” or how they felt when the one person was there that made it miserable for the rest of the team. It’s important to keep this culture in mind especially during hiring. Nearly all new recruits will second guess their decision for coming to work at a new company within the first thirty days. Have you taken a step back to evaluate the culture that your company keeps? Is it one that’s kept with pride? Are there things that need to be changed to better fit the goals of the company?

photo by Ashley Palmero

Swinging to the Next Vine

Whether you choose to listen to music, read books and blogs or just hang out with friends, the story remains the same: it’s the journey and the experience that you should enjoy the most. Interestingly, the older I get, the more I see this and the more I’m also reaching for the next goal. It’s an interesting split trying to appreciate the day to day as we’re driven by the upcoming accomplishment. Not surprisingly, though, once we get there, we feel a sense of relief followed, at least by me, with a sense of concern. I begin to ask “what’s next?” I’m already looking for the next opportunity to move the ball forward, which can become frustrating, scary and exciting all at the same time. Unfortunately, at these moments, when I’m trying to figure out which vine I want to swing to next, I end up missing out on the day to day.

So, I turn to you, my friendly reader. What do you do to ensure that you don’t miss the fun moments along the way when you’re too busy moving to the next adventure to pay attention to the here and now? Do you have a support system that disconnects you from time to time from your future endeavors to help you celebrate the day? Do you mentally make the leap? Share with us in the comments!

Photo: Tarzan by Disney

Decision Making Skills from President Clinton

One of the struggles I’ve continued to experience in my life is making tough decisions. We’ve all had to make them. They’re those decisions where no matter how much you research, talk to your trusted advisers in your life and ponder, you don’t seem to get very close to knowing the “right answer.” Sure, you recognize the choices you have. You weigh the pros and the cons of each, but there doesn’t seem to be a clear result for either choice, until the choice has been made.

Before I can get to my insight, I have to rewind a bit. I was in New York City last week for the Search Marketing Expo where our client, Pear Analytics, was presenting. My friend, Peter, in New York, helped me get in to see former President Bill Clinton speak at the World Business Forum. Now, no matter your political affiliation, seeing a US President speak is an opportunity to appreciate. President Clinton spoke of his time in office and his initiatives now to make the world a better place. The part that resonated most with me, though, was what he said regarding decision making as a President. He explained that 90% of the decisions for a President are already made by the time they hit his desk. You rely on your advisers heavily during this time, check a box and sign your name and you move on. Being President isn’t about this, though, it’s about the remaining 10% of the decisions. This 10% is where the tough decisions are made. You don’t really know the exact outcome; the best you can do is study, understand, listen to your trusted advisers and make a decision. At times, he says, you’ll make the wrong choice, but you have to adjust from there and continue forward. As he said, being the President is being the Chief Decision Maker.

Hearing this provided me some comfort in my decision making process. If a Rhodes Scholar and former President of the United States says that you’re not always going to know the right answer, make an informed decision, then adjust accordingly, it tells me that I certainly am also afforded the same latitude. To some, this information may seem self-evident. In fact, I hope it is and that you’re further along in your evolution than I am. For those that struggle with those tough decisions, take heart; just do the best you can and adjust accordingly.

Thanks again for the opportunity, Peter, it was life changing.

Have Business Relationships That Last

Ed Wallace, a “recovering CPA,” was kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule speaking and consulting to talk about his new book – Business Relationships That Last. Some of us instinctively know how to manage business relationships, but most of us need a system. As W. Edwards Deming said, 94% of failures are due to poor systems, only 6% are human error. It’s worth noting that just because you have a system for managing relationships, it doesn’t mean that it’s mechanical and rigid.

Why did you write this book? (Ed answered this question in two parts – personal and professional)

“The personal reason I wrote this book is that I was a senior VP for a software company and one afternoon I was at my
desk when I was supposed to be out of town. My wife called and said our 8
year old son Grant fell and to meet her to see Grant. As I was leaving the office, my wife called back and she said we have to meet
at the helipad. Let me tell you, Nan, nothing can prepare you for a MASH scene where you see
your son laying on a gurney. It’s petrifying. You don’t know what’s
happening. It looked like he had a severe concussion and he’s
semiconscious. This was the cathartic moment that showed me how fast
things can change. I realized that I had the whole dream, but I notice
I wasn’t leaving anything behind. I had always wanted to write about
relational platforms. This was the moment when I needed to do this.
Within 6 months, my boss bought me out of my contract and gave me 6
months severance. During these same 6 months we had to take Grant for MRIs
because he had a spot on his brain, but don’t worry, he’s good to go now.”

“Professionally speaking, it’s a big message and it’s perfect for the times. This is a process to build business relationships using 5 steps to turn an acquaintance into a high performing contact. A research firm asked senior VPs the secret to their success. 88% of them said relationships. They followed up asking them what they did with that information. 24% track relationships in their CRM systems. Great, now what did they intentionally do about them? Less than 5% said they have strategies to manage the relationships. Shouldn’t you have processes for your relationships when 88% of Senior VPs say that’s the key to their success?”

What are the essential qualities of a solid business relationship?

“Credibility, Integrity and Authenticity build solid business relationships. Credibility is the power to elicit belief. So once you’re credible, people begin to share their Relational GPS – Goals, Passions and Struggles. This lets you make commitments, that when deliver on them, gets you integrity. During the process, you have authenticity. This convergence builds relational capital, the distinctive value created by people in a business relationship.

Your client’s Goals Passions and Struggles matter. When you understand their goals, you can help them. A GPS in the traditional sense gives you directions from satellites that have converged. They tell you where you need to go. If you’re trying to build a relationship, you really need to learn about all the aspects of your prospect’s/client’s GPS as well. Passions are things that people care deeply about. The way you hold a conversation or provide a referral builds credibility, which opens the door for people to share their passions. As they share their passions, they realize they can share some of their struggles. When people reveal their goals, passions and struggles, they’re laying out their road map. It’s important to note that this is not linear, but once you’re credible, people will typically share their goals first, then struggles and finally, passions.”

Tell me two things I can start doing immediately to develop better business relationships?

“First, every meeting you have is a perpetual audition, even in a good relationship, so don’t take a relationship for granted. Second, be prepared to ask good questions. Questions lead to credibility which launch the relationship. Have worthy intentions about the relationships, where their needs come first. Don’t take any of the meetings for granted. You can always advanced the relationship a little further. Do you want to get really good at asking questions? Sit down and interview a young kid for 5 minutes while they’re doing
something, like playing with Legos. Go ahead, ask follow up questions with a 5 year old. This helps you
get good at asking adults questions. It’s the 2nd, 3rd, 4th questions
that get you in.”

Ed, you write about the concept of “common ground” in the book, what does that mean?

“Common ground is the first rung on the Relational Ladder. What we suggest is to not guess whether the person we’re speaking with wants to build rapport or talk about business. Let them lead you down the path about what they want to talk about. It’s their meeting to decide whether they want to talk about business or personal.

Let me share a story. We had a meeting with the VP of Talent of a company. She had a week old vase of two dozen roses on her desk and had to move them to see us. We didn’t bring up the roses. We go through our meeting and at the end, she wants to hire us. As we’re preparing to leave, she asks, “why didn’t you ask about the roses?” We told her that we like to model for our clients what we talk about. She still hasn’t told us what the roses were for! It’s crucial to let the client steer you. This means we start by telling her “we’re glad to meet with you today” and then wait to see how the meeting should go. Did they start talking about rapport, asking questions about your trip and whether you found the location easily or does the person get right down to business? Pay attention and follow their lead.”

Can you tell me what the five rungs are on the Relational Ladder?

1. Establishing Common Ground: launch the relationship
2. Displaying Integrity and Trust: secure the relationship
3. Using Time Purposefully: invest in the relationship
4 Offering Help: share relational equity
5. Asking for Help: realize returns on your investment

Can you share some examples of how your clients have implemented what you teach and what the impact has been on their business?

“Some clients have built the Relational Ladder into their CRM systems and made the terminology of the ladder into their system. The conversation goes around the relationship first, not about where are they in their pipeline. Sales cycles have been reduced significantly. One internal team implemented this and had a customer satisfaction increased by 55% after the account manager and the CSRs implemented the system. Another high tech sales firm reduced their sales cycle 22% in 6 months.”

If you’re interested in learning more about Ed or Business Relationships That Last, check out his website or drop him a line.

When Was the Last Time You Took Time to “Just Listen?”

What do you get when you mix a Huffington Post writer with a psychiatrist, FBI hostage negotiator trainer and an executive coach? Mark Goulston, MD. Mark has made a 30 year career out of dealing with people, ranging from scared children to people in crisis. Fortunately, Mark made time for a call with me to discuss some tips from his new book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.

In all your years of listening to people, what are the top three tips to being a better listener?

“First, realize nobody listens with an open mind, including you. You think you are being open minded, but you’re not. One of my favorite quotes is from Wilfred Bion, who says to listen with an open mind requires that we “listen without memory or desire.” When you listen with memory, you have an old agenda you are trying to plug someone into; when you listen with desire, you have a new agenda that you are trying to plug them into, but in neither case is it their agenda. Second, if you listen with an open mind and drill down deeper, people will open their minds, hearts and wallets, because no one feels listened to. Third, the best way to listen with an open mind is to focus on what’s really important and urgent to the other person, then use all your resources to help them achieve that, even if it it requires The Miracle on 34th Street pitch. It’s important to know that this may or may not get you hired, it may allow you to refer someone else to the person to whom you’re speaking. It causes 3 amazing benefits. 1. You can relax on having to sell people, because there’s no anxiety to maneuver someone 2. It deepens the trust with the person you’re speaking to. I did this once when I drove an hour to see a person. After listening to him, I told him he could hire me but I suggested he hire another person first to take care of a more pressing need. It built massive trust. 3. When you make a referral to good people, say another service professional, you’ll realize that referrals are the coin of the realm in the networking world. When you make a referral, they’ll likely refer back to you.”

Mark, that’s excellent advice. So we should listen with an open mind and really listen to the needs of people and make referrals when they’re appropriate. What’s the impact of not listening well to a client or a colleague or a boss?

“All you have to do is ask yourself, “What’s the impact on me?,” especially if you have something important to communicate. When you get blown off or they interrupt you or they bring it back to what they need, it frustrates you. If you’re frustrated or worse, what does it do to your motivation to cooperate?”

Keeping the level of frustration down is certainly important when you’re trying to get things done. How does being a great listener strengthen your ability to lead, manage or sell?

“The first step to being a great listener is to use the “I” word, important. The first thing to say to someone is “What you’re saying to me is too important for me to misunderstand. I’d like to repeat back what you said to me, would that be alright?” After you say that, wait for them to say “yes.” That begins the “cascading yes.” When people do the “cascading yes” and you become clearer with their thinking, their gratitude increases toward you. If you come from a place of integrity, a true desire to help the other person, as opposed to maneuvering them, this will cause people to beat a path to your door and have them tell other people to do the same. If you disagree with something, it’s best to say “tell me how you came to that?” Before you come to a conclusion about the other person, get evidence by asking more about what they’re saying. Use conversation deepeners such as “tell me more” or “hmmm.” Use the right tone for “hmmm” like you’re saying “yum yum, what you’re saying is so good I can’t wait to hear more.”

Mark, how can becoming a better listener be a competitive advantage in general?

“If you are in the position of not being listened to and it makes you angry, when someone really listens to you and helps you become clearer in your thinking, you’ll standout in their mind.”

Mark, can you give me an example of how being a better listener can benefit someone’s personal life?

“One of the key motivators for me to write this book and realize how important listening is, occurred when my now 27 year old daughter was 8 years old. She now had to share mommy with our third child. She was having trouble doing that and was throwing tantrums and requiring timeouts. I came home one day when I had to “handle” my daughter. She was having a primal deprivation. She wanted mommy and “hated” her life. Instead of sending her to her room for a time out, I asked “What is it Lauren?” in an inviting but firm way. When it was clear that I wasn’t going to punish her or go away, she responded “I was the first to be born, I will be the first to die.” My oldest daughter is the only first born in the house. We had been punishing her for being terrified. At that point, she ran and jump into my arms and said “daddy, keep talking.” At that point, we both cried. I could feel that helping her to not feel alone and not be punished could have prevented a disaster later. You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to be a good listener. If you believe that most people are decent people and when they act up, it may be something is going on inside, not that they’re bad people. Persevere with them when asking questions, “That’s not it. What’s really going on?” They’ll finally crack and say something like “I’m scared because we don’t communicate and I don’t want a divorce.” This enables people to exhale. Venting is where the other person is running you over and it feels exhausting. You feel like getting defensive and neither of you are calm, you’re both exhausted. If you don’t take the venting personally, when people go from venting to exhaling, they go from showing their teeth to showing their neck. In trusting you with your bared neck, you will typically do the same and bare your neck, too.”

Can you tell me the one thing that I should start doing today to become a better listener?

“Think of everyone that you’re trying to get through to today, personally and professionally. Put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself, as them, how well they feel listened to and cared about by you? Be honest with yourself. If, when you do this, your answer is that they don’t [feel listened to], then ask yourself how motivated you would be to want to extend the conversation. The likelihood is, not very motivated. Now that you know this, you can say to these people “I’ve been thinking about our relationship or business together and I realize that there’s a good chance that I don’t really get where you’re coming from. I’d really like to know that. If you’re willing, please tell me what’s important to you and what you accomplish from our dealings with each other.”

As I wrapped up my call with Mark, he provided me one more piece of information that can earn you more money, become better respected and develop peace in your life and the lives of those with whom you come into contact. You’ll have to come back soon to find out that secret.

Follow Mark on twitter at @markgoulston

Developing a Rabid Fan Base

How frequently do you find people talking about what they want, how important they are and what they’re looking to accomplish next? Most people are friendly enough to allow that chatter for a bit, but it gets boring quickly. Instead of framing your life around what you’re looking to accomplish, look to build a rabid fan base. A group of people that are fired up to help you in your endeavors. Do so by pointing the arrow away from you and focusing your energy in easing the struggles of others.

Understand that you can’t help everyone. Instead, look at those activities where you have been given special gifts, then apply those gifts in supporting others. Are you amazing at building websites or encouraging others to take action? Don’t hoard those gifts! Interestingly, everyone wins when you help. They win because you helped them in an area where they weren’t able to help themselves. You helped yourself by practicing your strengths. Speaking to people about what matters to them, on their level and helping them along the way allows you to build an army of fans. Do this your entire lifetime. Do this for those that you can’t imagine being able to help you in return! You’re building a better world around you that will ripple. Sooner or later you start seeing the effects.

“It’s not who knows you that counts, it’s who knows you and what they think of you.” – Ken Blanchard

photo by: aaronisnotcool

Change Your Day With One Word

How frequently do opportunities come into your life? Oftentimes, we’re paralyzed by some fear that has been hounding us for years. I’m just as guilty as you. Amazing situations have lined up in my life and I have turned them down simply because “no” came to mind first. What if we actually looked at these opportunities intentionally and before we said “no,” we thought through what a “yes” might look like…what could be?

Here’s an example from my life. Last week, Robert Scoble came to town. For those of you who don’t know him, he’s an internet star. His opinions are valued by many and he’s an all around nice guy. He comes to San Antonio infrequently, so we had a party that he attended. The night was winding down and there were a few of us left, so he, his (awesome) cameraman Rocky and some other fun people decided to get a bite to eat. I chose to opt out and head home. A few minutes later, I realized what a silly mistake I was making. There was no reason to say “no.” I turned around and met up with Scoble and the rest of the folks and I’m glad I did. I would have missed out on a great conversation, learning more about the people I was with all because my first reaction was “no.”

I certainly had said “no” in the past to opportunities without any real reason for saying it, but I always found a way to rationalize my decision later and you’ve likely done the same. This week, I challenge you to look at your situation and say “YES!” where you’d typically say “no.” Are you an overachiever? Get someone else to play along. If you’ve got a great story to tell about your “YES!” adventure, please share in the comments or catch me on Twitter.

photo by cpalmieri

Crowdsourced Questions for Mark Goulston, M.D.

Mark Goulston, M.D. is a psychiatrist, business consultant, and FBI hostage-negotiation trainer. He His expertise has been tapped for in The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, CNN, BBC News, Oprah, and The Today Show. He recently wrote Just Listen, Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Since I’ll be interviewing Mark soon, I’d like get some questions answered for you.

Do you have a person professionally or personally that you’re having trouble getting through to? Do you struggle in times of conflict or crisis? Submit your question in the form, use a fake name if you’d like, and I’ll ask Mark. Then, stay tuned for the answers in the next few weeks!

You can follow Mark on Twitter at @markgoulston

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